The Sue Guild
by DancingLikeWater
Summary: Having grown sick of Mary Sues in fanfic, I have created a parody in which the characters of Escaflowne create Mary Sues of themselves. Read, enjoy and if you find that you write Sues in esca fic, STOP. Thank you.


I have been reading quite a bit about Mary Sue fics lately. I find them fascinating, a fact which horrifies me. It isn't for the fact that the stories themselves are interesting, but rather that the whole thing could be a psychological study of those who have written them. With that in mind, I present to you my AU attempt to reconcile sues, sue fic writers, and what the canon writers actually did. All wrapped up in a parody. ...I'm almost afraid to even try writing this thing, but here goes.

Also, for the record I like Dilandau a lot and respect Japan.

Note: I edited this the day or so after posting it up to try and fix typos. So sorry about them!

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"The MS Guild"

Heather played her CD player rather loudly, lost in whatever pop music she had shown an interest in that morning. She had a thing for music. She was often singing, much to the dismay of her friends and family. Her music was especially important to her when she composed the all-important thing known as fanfiction. Or scriptures, as she liked to think of them.

"Heather...hey, Heather, listen to me," said an impatient young man. Though he was normally tolerant of Heather's annoying behavior, he was missing basketball practice to take her to this ridiculous meeting. He didn't understand why she and her friends had chosen such an out of the way place to write their nonsense. They could have done just as well to hold these meetings in their bedrooms, but found their work so important that it warranted a special time and place. And food, let's not forget. Heather had badgered her mother into buying pizza for the whole crew. She had wanted something a bit more worldly and sophistocated (And japanese), but pizza was easier to spring for.

John walked up to her and took the headphones off her ears.

"Hey, I was listening to that, jerk!" Heather smacked John hard in the stomach.

"Heather, I just heard Brad and Allen pull up. I thought you might want to get ready."

"Fine, but you could've been a little nicer. Geez...You ever wonder why you can't end a date without getting slapped?"

"Hey, it was only that one time. And it's not like I did anything wrong."

"She was expecting romance and you took her to a basketball game. That's just so totally wrong."

"But she likes the sport! I figured it was something we could both enjoy."

Hitomi sighed dramatically.

"Oh, John, John, John. A girl should be swept off her feet and treated like a lady." She paused with a dreamy sigh. She was rather fond of sighing, actually. "Like Allen. You need to ask him for lessons in dating when he gets here."

John rolled his eyes.

"Right. Allen's the perfect date. I'm sure he could fit you into his dating cycle."

Heather glared at him indignantly.

"He likes me. You just watch. We'll be married some day and-"

"Ugh, spare me, please," John said. "Just do your thing." He snagged slice of pizza and headed over to a corner to enjoy it, away from the presence of his lovesick sister.

Heather immediately placed her headphones back on her head and blocked the rest of the world out.

Allen walked in quite casually, not noticing the look of complete amazement from Heather. She couldn't help but notice that he was looking exceptionally handsome that day. Except, of course, for the little moppet known as Sarah clinging to his arm. The two were positively the most co-dependent siblings to ever walk the earth. Sarah flashed a smile at everyone when she walked in. She then ran up to John and gave him a hug, who nearly choked on his pizza.

"Hiii John!"

"Hey, Sarah. Heather is over there."

"Alriiiiight. Love ya!"

Sarah ran off and Allen, who had been busy retrieving a bit of the pizza, came over to join John.

"Hey, man, what's up?"

"Nothing much. You need to get the little twit to stop doing that. It's really aggravating."

"She likes you. And I find it hilarious, so no." Allen grinned.

"Hey, you're getting free pizza. Show some respect."

"Not a chance. I don't show respect to anyone who can't beat me in at least one game."

"How about showing respect to he whose mom buys pizza?"

Allen paused a moment, then bowed slightly.

"You have my gratitude then, good sir."

John smacked Allen in a playful manner.

"Fine, fine, my good servant. Now go fetch me a danish."

Ah yes, this was the epitome of intelligent conversation, most definitely.

"So," said John when they were finished with their oh so witty banter of danishes and pizza, "I thought I heard Brad pull in. Or was I wrong?"

"Nah, you were right. He's outside having a fight with," Allen paused a moment and took on a dramatic tone,"the Emo One."

John shook his head. "Susan can't quit for a second, can she?"

"Nope. She's got all that pain and suffering to deal with."

"Well, yeah, I'd say stupidity is a pretty painful affliction."

"And let's not forget the horrific realization that the employees at Hot Topic do not, nor did they ever, find her cool."

"Or that she can't get chicks."

"...well, yeah, that last one does suck, actually."

"Hm...yeah, you're right."

The two cut the conversation short when the subjects of it walked into the room. This was noted by quite a bit of yelling and carrying on, mostly from a suit-clad Susan who was being dragged by her arm into the place.

"You let me go or I'll stab you in your sleep!"

"As opposed to stabbing me when I'm awake? Come on, you're the one who wanted to do this."

"I did not! The motherly parasite told you to drag me here because she's an idiot! Don't pin such stupid ideas on me!"

"You told her last week you thought it might be a good-"

"I'M NOT THE SAME PERSON I WAS LAST WEEK!"

"...Just shut up and stop being an idiot."

"But it's true. Nobody gets it either." There were signs of tears coming. "And no one understands me." Ah yes, there they were. Not quite niagara falls, but then someone who cried so often might be low on them sometime. "I hope you all die."

"I'm sure that as many times as you've wished that, it will come true."

"Why don't you just shut up and go away, -Bradley-?"

"Make me, -Susan.-"

"Don't call me that!"

"Fine, Jasper. Or Asteroth. Or whatever the hell you wanted to call yourself today."

"Raul."

Brad rolled his eyes.

"Very well, Raul. Go do whatever it is you do."

Susan kicked him hard in the shins and then proceeded towards the table with Sarah and Heather.

Brad made his way over to John and Allen, taking out his cigarettes as he did so.

"Looks like you've been having fun," Allen chided with a smirk.

"Vodka was invented because of people like her," he said as he lit the thing and took a drag of it.

"Hey, can I bum one of those?" asked John.

"Hell no. You two are super athletes, or whatever little burgeoisie thing you intend on being. Athletes don't get cancer sticks." He took a longer drag. "Besides, I have to take her to therapy later tonight. I'll need the whole pack."

"I don't know how you can stand being a goth when your sister is the way she is. Or he is. What is it this week?"

Brad laughed a bit and stretched, still clutching his ever-precious tobacco.

"I think we hit a record of 50 different name and gender decisions this week. Mom really made a mistake in letting her borrow that 'Prospective Mother's book of names.' She's been no end of trouble." Brad coughed a bit and rubbed his forehead. "At least this has kept her preoccupied. She hasn't made some attempt to destroy anything in at least two days."

Allen sighed. "You really ought to have her put away."

"If it were up to me, sure, she'd be getting some help. Mom thinks it's just typical angst thrown in with a bit of the devil. Or something. Dad's too busy with his career, and neither want to have to deal with the horror of an insane kid."

"Tough break."

There was silence for some time, brought on by some measure of pity from Allen and John. Brad sighed and leaned against a wall.

"Life is like that. I deal with it. So let's get back to the inane conversation you guys are always having."

"You know, we always love it when you bother to talk to us lowly highschool students. Gives us a preview of what we'll be like as old cynics."

Brad laughed. "You're not going to be like me. You're going to die in a sprawling house with a sparkling white wife and twenty kids who all have trust funds."

Allen rolled his eyes. "You people and your prejudice."

John silently ate his pizza and wondered why Heather insisted on hanging out with people like this.

Meanwhile, things had progressed nicely at the table.

"Just let me write it!" Heather yelled.

"No, no! I can write it! I'm really good at writing things down. Teachers always say so!" Sarah was quite eager to be useful and clutched the group's notebook close to her chest.

"But Sarah, we can never read your writing. You write with acronyms no one has ever heard of." Heather was getting quite tired of this childish nonsense. She was here to be a sophisticated writer, up there with the likes of CrystalAngelCormorac2378Queen and TheQuizzicalToad. They were always getting tons of reviews, and she intended to be just as popular. Her earlier attempt of merely copying their stories had not been well recieved, which led her to the belief that original content might be a better way to go.

Susan took a razorblade from her pocket and slid it across the table to Sarah. Sarah and Heather stopped their squabbling and stared at it, then at Susan.

"If you want to write so badly, you have to do it in blood. Otherwise, stop whining."

Sarah immediately let go of the notebook and sat with her hands folded, looking down at her knees.

"I'm sorry," she said quietly.

"That's alright," Heather said, dismissing the whole incident as unimportant. "We've got important things to do, so let's get started. This is the first meeting of the Master Sophisticate club and I want it to be a good one." She wrote the name on the top of the notebook page, denoting its importance with two underlines and several stars.

"Alright, first we need to make our characters. Then we can start worrying about what happens."

Sarah broke in eagerly.

"I know mine already!"

"Alright, give me the name first, and what she looks like."

"Her name is Celena," Sarah said with a smile. She had been so happy to find such a nice name all on her own. "She's very pretty. She has long blonde hair, blue eyes, a perfect face, and she wears long, flowing green dresses all the time. She's really nice to animals, and they like her too. And 15." Fifteen sounded like a good age. Sarah wanted to be 15, unlike the lowly age of 11. And she was fairly certain that Barbie was 15.

"That sounds good. And what about you, S..." Heather cut herself off and simply gestured towards Susan, not wanting to risk another fight. "What about yours? What's her name and description?"

"-His- name is Dilandau. Nobody knows his age. He's got short silver hair, and blazing red eyes. He is paler than the moonlight, and has looks that no one can match. His word is law as far as anyone he knows is concerned. He's got a penchant for violence, and anyone that opposes him meets a swift end. His sword is his trusted ally, and in his hands can be used to perform amazing feats, the likes of which have never been seen before. He never loses a fight because he's that good, and that just adds to his terrifying reputation. In short he is awesome, and so much better than the silly little girls you two like to write about."

Heather was rather excited by this.

"Ohh...so he knows kendo! What does his katana look like?"

Susan looked somewhat annoyed.

"Other cultures have forms of swordfighting, you know. I was thinking fencing. Like from France?"

"Well...nyeah!" Heather stuck her tongue out in a most adult fashion, then proceeded to finish writing Dilandau's description down.

"And now for mine. I'm going to name her Hitomi. yeah...Hitomi's an awesome name," she said, grinning to herself and writing. "And she's going to be fifteen as well. She's an average girl, brown here, blue eyes. She goes to a highschool in Japan. She's on the track team and is really awesome in it. She's got a humungous crush on this guy who is on the basketba-" She caught herself there, blushing and glad that her face was not in Allen's line of vision at the moment. "On the track team as well, but he doesn't seem to notice." She paused another moment, re-thinking things. "Actually, he notices quite a lot. She's just clueless when it comes to what has grown into an undying devotion to her. In fact, a lot of people seemed to care about her, but she was oblivious. Which is really interesting, since she's got the power to see the future, telepathy, and empathy."

Heather penned down the chaotic description, rather pleased that her character had depth. She knew that a lot of other writers wrote flat, uninteresting people with no continuity. She was very glad that she didn't resort to that, and that she was actually a decent writer. Now if only people would start reviewing her work...

"Alright, we've got a good start. Now we need to come up with a place to put these people in."

"Let's go with a fairy kingdom."

"Well, that's nice, Sarah, but I was thinking Japan would make a nice setting."

Sarah looked a bit upset. "Do you think so?"

"Yeah, Japan is much more interesting than a fairy kingdom."

"Oh. Okay, let's go with that, then." Sarah didn't really believe Heather, but she respected Heather's opinion and followed it almost blindly.

"Hold on just a minute," Susan chimed in. "Those choices suck. I want a military setting."

"...Well, Japan has a military."

"No, it -had- a military. And that military was filled with samurai, who suck."

"They do not!"

"They do too, and I'm not sticking Dilandau in Japan." Susan folded her arms, looking quite obstinate.

"Well, I'm not sticking Hitomi in the military!"

"Then I guess we'll have to kill Hitomi off, won't we?"

"No! No one is killing Hitomi!"

Sarah sniffled and fought back tears.

"Why are you two fighting? Stop fighting, please!"

The commotion had gained the attention of the three fatigued brothers taking solace in their inane conversation about sports.

"What's the problem?" John asked.

"S...um..." Heather gave up on the question of gender and simply pointed at Susan. Susan glared at Heather.

"It's not my fault that you're stupid!"

"Yeah, but it is your fault that i you /i are stupid."

The bickering went on. John attempted to break in with suggestions but was ignored everytime. Brad took pity on John, who had now drawn himself into this pointlessness, and handed him a cigarette.

"Why don't you try to mix settings?" Brad offered. "You can have the story move different places, and then you won't have to kill eachother."

"That could work...I guess." Though she would rather have had her own way, it was at least a compromise.

"So we still have to visit Japan. No. No go."

Brad clamped a hand down on Susan's shoulder. Susan looked up at him, not at all happy but knowing that arguing with him would not bode well for her at the moment.

"Or maybe we could go visit the 'room' right now and you can argue and scream all you like?"

Susan's heart pounded quite hard in her chest. She hated being called out like that.

"..No, no. I think we'll be going to Japan instead."

"Good girl." Brad patted her on the head and headed back to the corner where Allen had wisely stayed. Susan growled at him, pondering the best and most amusing ways to end his life.

"Okay, so we'll just mix them all together. Um...well, there could be an ancient temple with a portal in it, which would lead to the fairy world and that military thing you wanted."

"A portal is stupid. Then you have to go travel to it anytime you want to get inbetween the three places. It'll take too long."

"But it at least works, so we'll keep it that way."

Sarah kept her mouth shut and listened to the two argue. She found both very persuasive, though Heather seemed much more reasonable than Susan.

"Well, fine, then. My army will just dump an endless sea of burning sewage through the portal and then your little island will be no more."

"Well...we...You're so intolerable! Why can't you just..not do that?" Heather was outraged, but trying to be civil about it.

"Because I can do that and it sounds like fun."

"But you can't just randomly destroy a country!"

"...well, fine, I'll plan it out, then."

"No, no, no! You can't destroy a country at all!"

"Why not?"

"Because it's cruel!"

"So? It could happen. And I like the idea."

"Well...fine! Then the portal won't be in japan. It'll just move around whenever someone wants to go somewhere and close off. So now you can't destroy Japan."

Susan snickered. "I can find a way."

Heather glowered at Susan, as if Susan had threatened her homeland.

"So people can be sent to wherever they want to go?" Sarah asked.

"I guess, yeah," replied Heather.

"Then I could beam Celena to the military country, couldn't I? And she could do nice things for them."

"Yeah, sure," Susan said. "We could use a maid."

Sarah smiled happily, feeling that she had made a worthwhile contribution to the story. Now she was set for the entire thing, even if all that happened was arguing between Heather and Susan.

"She can be just like Cinderella," Sarah said happily.

"...Right. But first, she's going to have to be interrogated and tortured."

"Oh!" Sarah cried in surprise. "But I don't think Celena would like that! It's not nice. She should be sent to help make Dilandau feel better."

"No," Susan said with a bit of disgust. "Keep Celena away from Dilandau. He's not keeping her has his maid. He has..." Susan pondered for a moment, then smiled as evidence of a brilliant idea. "Oh, he has about thirty or forty people to take care of him already. You know, they do everything he says without complaint. They're all drop-dead gorgeous, too. Not as handsome as Dilandau, of course, but handsome enough that he can tolerate them."

"Well," Sarah began, thinking once more. She was finding this thinking business very difficult. "She could be a mother to them. They must be lonely with only mean old Dilandau to hang out with."

"Nope, they're fine. They love him. They live to take his orders. So..no go. She'll have to live in the dungeons."

"There are dungeons?" asked Heather, a bit surprised.

"Where else will my army put prisoners? ..ehe..that is when they have any that are left alive."

"...Is there anyone for her to take care of down there?" Sarah asked nervously. She was beginning to regret the decision to send Celena to Dilandau's country.

"Hm...yeah. She can help take care of this really horrible guy." Susan's voice raised in volume, hoping to be heard by someone else in the room. "He's really domineering and everyone hates him. He's got no life of his own, so he has to go bother everyone else about theirs. He's like..five hundred years old, too. Doesn't look it but he acts it. All he does is talk about politics all day long and just generally be useless. Yeah, Celena can take care of him." As an afterthought she added, "And his name will be Folken."

"And she can make him happy."

"Nope, he's cursed never to be happy."

"Oh! How sad!"

"Yeah, he pissed a lot of people off. So they made it so he could never be happy. Ever. And then later on, he'll kill himself.

There was an exchange of glances between Susan and Brad, one glaring, the other smirking.

"Let's not forget," Brad said, "That Dilandau is only a soldier and has no tact whatsoever, so Folken has to help plan his battles for him and keep him from doing idiotic things. Not to mention his arrogance, when unimpeded, would ensure his destruction."

"Let's not forget," Susan began, imitating the stiff annoyed tone which Brad had taken on, "That Dilandau is invincible and Folken is going to die old and alone, so it wouldn't even bother Dilandau if he had to listen to Folken every once in awhile."

"Just give him a supply of cigarettes and vodka, and I'm sure he'll be happy," Brad said before exiting the conversation.

Susan snickered. "Sure. Dilandau will put them in a bonfire for him."

"Anyway," Heather interrupted, "We need a story now. I think it should involve that other world being in crisis."

"Because Dilandau will be blowing everything up."

"No! No, no, no! Come on, be serious."

"I am serious. He'll blow everything up, and thus continue his wonderful reign of terror." Susan laughed and leaned back, once again talking so that Brad could hear. "Oooh...and let's open the story with him destroying Folken's homeland. That would be really really cool. He could make Folken watch, too."

Brad rubbed his forehead once more, feeling a headache coming on. "Just as long as that isn't the country that exports the most tobacco."

"I think you should meet my health teacher," John said. "She'd be in awe of how fast your health is going to decline."

"What will be will be."

"Yeah, but you're really doing a number on yourself with this stuff."

Folken shrugged and went back to enjoying his vice in silence.

"Alright, so Dilandau is destroying Folken's Homeland. Hitomi foresaw this with her psychic powers and was beamed over to his world to stop him."

"She can't stop him. It's already too late. The country has been liquidated."

"Well...then she came to help repair the damage."

"There's nothing to repair. The whole thing will have to be rebuilt from scratch."

"Well, she came just because she felt she had to!" Heather glared at Susan. "If Dilandau gets to destroy countries because he feels like it, Hitomi can just come visit another world because she feels like it." Heather felt that this was perhaps the most eloquent string of logic she had every uttered.

"And if Dilandau feels like it, he can kill Hitomi. So he'll set his minions after her."

Heather smirked. "Ah, but she knows they are coming. She can hide herself quite well."

"They're a master search and destroy team, so they find her anyway. And then they kill her."

"No, they don't! She doesn't die in this story." The phrasing of this sentence gave hope that Hitomi might die in another story, but given Heather's disposition that wasn't likely. "She went into hiding...with the former king of the country that Dilandau destroyed. And his name is..Van. Yes, his name is Van. He has special powers that he was born with, but was not able to discover until Hitomi pointed them out. Together, they find that they have the ability to destroy Dilandau's army."

"Um...no. How about a hell no? She can't kill Dilandau's men."

"Right, but Van can."

"They're invincible!"

"You said Dilandau was, but you said nothing about his men. And since they're all less than him, that means they can't be as good as him, right?"

"...Well..no, but...d...damnit! No, they're not allowed to die!"

"Hey, I let you burn down that stupid country."

"...stupid bitch."

"Hey! That was mean!"

"But it was true."

Brad had already gone through quite a number of cigarettes with all the petty squabbling. He regretted having not brought any sort of pain reliever with him, as he should have foreseen what nonsense would occur.

"It'd probably serve you right if you dropped dead right there."

Brad handed John another cigarette and lit it.

"I'm hearing enough complaining, so just shut up already."

Allen watched the group, making certain that no one was making any move to hurt Sarah.

"If Susan does anything foolish, I hope you know I won't hesitate to beat the everliving hell out of her."

"I hope you know that you are welcome to, but you'll have to inform her counselors of what has happened. I'm not going to jail for you."

"Sure thing, man."

"Okay, fine!" yelled Heather. "You know what? Fine! Go ahead. Blow everyone up and kill them."

"Awesome!" Susan exclaimed, pleasantly surprised that Heather had given in. She grabbed the notebook from Heather and began scribbling. When she handed it back, there was a picture of a mushroom cloud and dust, and wrote a rather large, 'OMGDESTRUCTIOOOON!' underneath it.

"And everyone dies. I love it." Susan couldn't help but find all this amusing and proceeded to laugh about it. Heather sat with her arms folded, glowering at Susan. Sarah sat silently lost in thought, wondering if Celena has helped Folken to somehow escape the explosions and brought him to safety. She decided that not only did she save him from the wrath of the insane one, but that he was also so mentally shattered by what had happened that Celena spent the rest of her life caring for his poor broken spirit. It was, of course, little work for one so selfless as Celena.

"I hate you both!" Heather exclaimed as she grabbed her headphones and ran to the nearest bathroom to cry. John ran after her to make sure that she didn't do anything foolish.

Sarah stared after Heather, looking absolutely crushed and began to cry right there at the table. Allen rushed to her side, hugging her and telling her everything was fine while simultaneously chastising Susan.

Susan, however, was exceedingly pleased with herself and how things had turned out, and proceeded to lean back in her chair and relax.

"Well, that's that," said Brad, appearing exhausted thanks to the thought that the rest of his day would be involving more drama than this. He tapped Susan on the shoulder. "Come on, it's time we left. You're going to be late."

"I don't care. I've decided not to go today."

"Do you really need to start this today? You say everytime that you don't want to go, then when you get there you don't want to leave, and when you get home you scream about how you'd rather be back there because they treat you better than I do."

"You know what? Leave me the hell alone!"

Brad took one last drag on his cigarette and flicked it away. He then proceeded to drag a kicking and screaming Susan out of the building.

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Author's Notes:

I'm hoping I did well enough that everyone can guess who was who, but for those that didn't, this is for you.

Brad - Folken

Allen - Allen His name was normal enough that I just decided to leave it.

John - Van

Heather - Hitomi

Sarah - Celena

Susan - Dilandau

I had a lot of snarky fun writing this, although I do think that my characterization of Van and Allen could use a bit of work. I was trying to go for over-the-top with the others, but these two, Van especially, didn't seem to come off as strong. Oh well. I'll try to do better next time.

I am thinking of doing a one-shot involving some esca characters at college, based on an RPG I've done. It was full of cliches, but they were too much fun. (Folken as a conspicuous russian spy was very amusing and more apt than it might originally sound.)

Thank you for reading, and I hope to have more for you in the future.


End file.
